It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens! That's right, in a few short days it will be that time of year when people get together and exchange gifts, both thought out and meaningful, and those gifts that are down right sorry (I'm thinking of underwear from Mom, but there are others). It's the time when people pour into church and sing songs to commemorate Jesus' birthday (even though church and historical records tell us that He was born in the springtime. But when have facts ever been a part of the church?). It's the time when families get together and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and be amazed at Jimmy Stewart's unholy acting talent, or watch "Christmas Vacation" and be amazed at Chevy Chase's wholy overrated acting talent. Then it's time to kick back and watch Uncle Earl get drunk on eggnog and spew con-fabulous stories for hours WITHOUT SHUTTING UP! All this before Santa drops down the chiminy only to tell the kids that their Xbox 360 is still on order. For those of you still wondering what to get me, here is list of things that I could use and/or want:
1) A magic wallet.
2) A belt buckle the size of a licence plate that says "Texas is bigger than France."
3) Mag wheels. Those are sweet.
4) A smoking secession program/aid that actually works. I've tried everything and they're starting to taste like shit.
5) A Kinky Friedman action figure
6) Books.
7) A Firefly-class transport ship, or failing that an Infinite Improbability Drive.
8) A helper monkey.
9) A job (this falls into the need category).
I do hope that all of you get what you want for X-mas, and Santa isn't just jerking you around. 'Cause if he is, I'm good friends with the Easter Bunny and a pleasant, male-friendly lesbian, and we know how to make Lard-Ass give up the goods. My wish is that this year the ghost of Jim Varney is giving out presents so Santa can take it easy and give that fine looking Mrs. Claus some quality time. Wait, that isn't Mrs Claus! For shame, Nicholas!
1) A magic wallet.
2) A belt buckle the size of a licence plate that says "Texas is bigger than France."
3) Mag wheels. Those are sweet.
4) A smoking secession program/aid that actually works. I've tried everything and they're starting to taste like shit.
5) A Kinky Friedman action figure
6) Books.
7) A Firefly-class transport ship, or failing that an Infinite Improbability Drive.
8) A helper monkey.
9) A job (this falls into the need category).
I do hope that all of you get what you want for X-mas, and Santa isn't just jerking you around. 'Cause if he is, I'm good friends with the Easter Bunny and a pleasant, male-friendly lesbian, and we know how to make Lard-Ass give up the goods. My wish is that this year the ghost of Jim Varney is giving out presents so Santa can take it easy and give that fine looking Mrs. Claus some quality time. Wait, that isn't Mrs Claus! For shame, Nicholas!
posted by Adam T. Whitten at 5:23 AM
14 Comments:
The best I can do this Christmas is a bathroom monkey. All of the helper monkeys are still on order. So the only question now is do you want blue, red or orangutan?
bathroom monkey
Monkey hate clean!!!
Earl's stories are only funny because you don't have to live with him.
What sorts of books do you want?
Ann, did I metion that I find David hilarious? 'Cause I don't remember saying that. I just mentioned that he doesn't shut up with the talkity talk talk. Books. Well, generally, I enjoy reading anything good. My profile lists books that I like, which may give you a hint. Otherwise, my rule is to not give a book as a gift unless you have read it. So anything that you find interesting I'll give a shot. But what I really want is money, lots of it, enough to swim around in, like Scrooge MacDuck. But checks works too. hence the (nonexistant) magic wallet.
I don't understand all the name changes! Ann = Claudia and David = Earl? Can I get a list? If you could include pictures and a short bio, it would be greatly appreciated.
Ann, I'm glad you enjoyed D.C. I kept bugging Matt to find out how it went. :)
KaEl,
Let me explain something. The Whitten family, in general, is afflicted with a disease known generally as megalomania. Uncontrollable, terminal megalomania. As such, we are picky about our names. Adam is probably afflicted with this problem least of all. But, my dad and I must be referred to with the "J." in the middle when our names our written, or we are likely to go into tantrums. David, a strange fellow indeed, has insisted on being referred to as Earl ever since putting the kibosh on "Oinkus", a nickname his brothers invented for him. Claudia Anne has simply chosen to go by her first name because it is both a pretty name and because it has family heritage.
My mother, in an ironic twist, insists on being referred to as "Darlene Alford Whitten" or "Darlene A. Whitten", as she wishes to dissociate from the Whitten surname as much as possible.
Did I mention that I had a great uncle named Ukeler, "Uke" for short. Nobody has been named after him so far, but I hold out hope...
I, for one, enjoy talking to Earl. You know how people say "it's like I was talking to a wall"? Well, it's like that with Earl, except the wall talks back. At extraordinary length.
But he and I aren't the only ones in this family to have the gift of being able to talk for hours upon hours without saying anything at all. Witness Cousin Arthur "Cocky" Barrett.
Anne, I'm really sorry about misspelling your name. My sister-in-law in Ann, not that that excuses it. Again, I'm sorry.
*is
Yes megalomania, or "coolness," runs in our family. In fact Matt, I insist on the "T" when my name is called, both for the syllabic effect and the family history. Additionally, I have been known to go by several nicknames. The first, I beleive, Is "Madam Adam" placed upon me by yourself and Scott. In highschool it was "Specs" and then (my personal favorite) "Beef Kabob." Now in college it is "Tater," short for mashed potato (because I'm white, mushy, and ladies, I taste real good with butter).
That said, I do not have the gift of being able to speak at length about things I have no interest in. In fact, I abhor lengthy conversations unless they are mentally stimulating. I'm not saying I can't talk to people, I just find most people so uninteresting that I have nothing to say. Fortunatly, I am a good listener. I will not divulge my secret to good listening, because then everyone will find otu what a fraud I am.
ps: I enjoy talking to David too. He's a really cool guy.
pps: katie and Anne--I'll misspell whatever the hellI want to.
As a side note, even though I do not enjoy speeking at length, i am very able to express myself through the written word. I must say that I enjoy written comunication significantly more than talking. A tip: all you need is a good thesaurus.
With the *is I was correcting my mistake, not yours. Bite me!
Katie - don't worry about misspelling my name.
Matt - I've taken to calling my father "Oinkus Earl" when I'm irritated with him. You should start. It tends to piss him off.
Tater - what a kickass nickname.
A smoking secession program/aid that actually works.
Um, the correct word is cessation.
Cessation - a stopping; "a cessation of the thunder"
Secession - to secede; to withdrawl oneself from membership of an organization.
Big Tobacco, for all non-smokers out there, is an organization, and when you buy cancer sticks every day I beleive that one becomes part of that organization. One becomes the source of income. I stand by my word choice.
So, anonymous, here is a word that I am quite sure you are familiar with:
Semantics - the branch of philology dealing with meanings and connotation; "the words I would like to say to you can, through semantic analysis, be calssified as vulgar and low brow." I hope this has been an enlightening lecture, class. See you at the final.
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