It's Been a While. Be Gentle

Well, First off I must say that I am sorry for not updating sooner. I have no excuse. They Metamucal has run out and I have had blogger constipation. So let me catch everyone up on what has happened.

Went to the folks house for X-mas vacation, which turned into a two-and-a-half week expedition. X-mas was fun, and then New Years was a blast. As I was leaving the parking lot on New Years, I had the crazy idea that I was going ot quit smoking for a New Years resolution. I saw a group of people walking and yelled out of my truck, "Hey, any of y'all smoke?" to which I got the reply, "Yah. You're going to drive us to a party!" Before I knew what was happening seven people climbed into the bed of my truck and a young woman got into my cab, the first words out of her mouth being, "I'm going to get fresh with you." To make a long, and quite refreshing, story short, I drove them all of two blocks and then had to "park."

I arrived back here in San Marcos on Saturday, where I immediatly went bowling, shot pool and got beligerently drunk. What a great town. On Monday I hit the streets running at 9am looking for gainful employment. It is now friday and I have filled out over twenty applications for various places as restaurants to be waiters, pizza places to be drivers, a Honda dealership to sell used cars, and a appartment complex looking for an assistant manager. It is times like this that I wish I had failed a couple of calsses and stayed in school.

Today, however, I am not going to engage in a single, solitary act that requires me leaving the house. Today is Friday the 13th. While I am fairly certain Jason is not going to hack me up while I'm having sex on the dock of Crystal Lake, I am superstitious about this day. But you would be too if you'd been arrested on a Fri the 13th. So, until a new sun arrises, I shall have temporary agoraphobia.

Funny How Time Slips Away

Before I begin this post, I would like to briefly address those naysayers out there who feel I should update with Metamucal-like regularity: screw you. I've been drinking, then I was sick for a couple of days.

I have successfully graduated from Texas State University at San Marcos. At such times one is wont to become wistful. So I decided to write down everything I could remember from college. Well, not everything.

Pre-freshman year: Dual enrollment at UNT

- John Jay, James Madison, and some other guy wrote the Federalists Papers.
- Taking every Friday off because there is no attendance policy is not a good idea.
- There is something called a Laffer curve. It was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- Texas has one of the longest state constitutions. This is because we do not like big government.
- People are generally nice in college.

Freshman year at Southwest Texas

- For some reason, Fight Club is philosophically interesting.
- There are a lot of idiots that get into college.
- There is a game called Dominoes, where you slap the table really hard and yell. There is math involved.
- Everyone in the all female dorm across the street (from my all male dorm) is very friendly.
- Don't show off cool things that you have. Some jerkass will break into you room and steal it.
- They never switch the smoke detector batteries.
- Mack the Knife is hundreds of years old.
- Spiderman is the most compelling superhero to write about for a final exam.
- Girls are into you for your intelligence. You still have to chase them.

Sophomore year at SWT

- Samual Taylor Colridge wrote Kubla Khan
- William Blake wrote some things too.
- Do not have a keg party at you house.
- Do not allow the police to search your home.
- Do not write a signed confession without a lawyer present.
- When referring to police brutallity, San Marcos cops use the phrase "Rodney King him."
- San Marcos cops keeps a pick ax in their crusier.
- Ther are very interesting people in the city holding cell.
- Getting out of jail is one of there greatest fellings ever. Until your parents call you.
- Get to know your TA.
- A mixture of Banisteriopsis and Psychotria, plants found in the Amazon, wil make you sweat, convulse, and hallucinate about cats, birds of prey, and snakes. This is true for all humans.
- Unicorns exists. They are slender, have curly blond hair, and are very elusive.
- Psychology of Human sexuallity is not as much fun as it sounds.
- Tubing is great in the summer.
- Do not go tubing before a final exam.

Junior year at Texas State University at San Marcos

- The basilar membrane inside the choclea is most sensitive to frequencies between 1,000 and 1,300 hertz. This is the range of normal human speech. Therefore, we have evolved to hear ourselves talk.
- All professors of Child Development are 20-something chearleaders that do not have kids.
- French is an assinine language and should be wiped from this planet.
- The brain perceives what is easiest for it to perceive.
- Speech Comm is a pointless class.
- Insects sleep
- Sponges belong in the phylum Porifera
- Getting a tattoo fells fine after the first ten minutes.
- If you puke in a bar urinal tonight, you will have a good story tomorrow. If you can remember.

Senior year at TxSt

-Professors won't remember you just because you got an A in their class.
- Memory is a fickle thing
- Sociology is pointless and easy.
- Hindus can believe in one god, millions gods, or none at all and still refer to themselves as Hindu.
- Comic books can be intellectually stimulating.
- Peopple see in Jesus what they want to see in themselves.
- Adding the suffix "Blue Eyes" to a girls name is an instant charmer.
- Calculus is vastly easier than furniture design.
- The hindbrain of all mammals takes up apporx. 13% of total brain area.
- Drinking takes its toll on the body and soul.
- The Green Lantern cannot fight anyone or anything that is the color Yellow.
- Other people don't study as much as I do.
Finally, as Willie Nelson said, "The highs don't get higher, the lows get lower."

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens! That's right, in a few short days it will be that time of year when people get together and exchange gifts, both thought out and meaningful, and those gifts that are down right sorry (I'm thinking of underwear from Mom, but there are others). It's the time when people pour into church and sing songs to commemorate Jesus' birthday (even though church and historical records tell us that He was born in the springtime. But when have facts ever been a part of the church?). It's the time when families get together and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and be amazed at Jimmy Stewart's unholy acting talent, or watch "Christmas Vacation" and be amazed at Chevy Chase's wholy overrated acting talent. Then it's time to kick back and watch Uncle Earl get drunk on eggnog and spew con-fabulous stories for hours WITHOUT SHUTTING UP! All this before Santa drops down the chiminy only to tell the kids that their Xbox 360 is still on order. For those of you still wondering what to get me, here is list of things that I could use and/or want:

1) A magic wallet.
2) A belt buckle the size of a licence plate that says "Texas is bigger than France."
3) Mag wheels. Those are sweet.
4) A smoking secession program/aid that actually works. I've tried everything and they're starting to taste like shit.
5) A Kinky Friedman action figure
6) Books.
7) A Firefly-class transport ship, or failing that an Infinite Improbability Drive.
8) A helper monkey.
9) A job (this falls into the need category).

I do hope that all of you get what you want for X-mas, and Santa isn't just jerking you around. 'Cause if he is, I'm good friends with the Easter Bunny and a pleasant, male-friendly lesbian, and we know how to make Lard-Ass give up the goods. My wish is that this year the ghost of Jim Varney is giving out presents so Santa can take it easy and give that fine looking Mrs. Claus some quality time. Wait, that isn't Mrs Claus! For shame, Nicholas!

The Texas State Bobcats are not going to the national championship. On Friday, the Cats lost 40-37 to Northern Iowa in overtime. What is completly disconcerting is that they could have won. UNI tied the game at 37 with 1:16 left in the fourth. But instead of going for a win, the Bobcats took a knee to send it to over time. Can anyone tell me what damned sense it make to take a knee with 1:16 left on the clock and all three time outs? As I figure it, that is more than enough time to take the ball down the field. Instead, Coach Bailiff decided to be a poon. I'm just upset, that's all.

Well, I can't believe it. I just can't fucking believe it. I just finished the last paper I will write as an undergrad. This is really wierd. I'm going to go and get toasted right after I turn this in. Actually, I 'm going to take a nap because Ive been awake for a while and then watch the Simpsons, then I'm going to go and dunk my class ring. I havn't been able to wear it yet because it just got in two days ago and I've been taking finals. Taking finals means no drinking. No drinking means no dunking my ring. But all that is about to change. For those of you who get this in time i can be reached at the Tripple Crown or Showdown (I guess those of you in San Marcos or Austin). For those of you far away, I miss you and will take a cab home. Or failing that get a ride with a stranger.

Peace, Love, and Soul

Adam Tabor Whitten

I should be typing a paper for one of my classes right now, but instead I have decided to write a little bit. I understand that this may seem a contradiction and counter-intuitive, but i assure you that a little creative release is necessary from time to time in order to get my juices flowing (those of you with sick minds may laugh at "release" and "juices flowing")

Something that I am unable to avoid while I am sitting in a restaurant, diner, coffeshop, etc, is to pick up on other's conversations. Not that I condone eavesdropping, or any form of dropping for that matter. It is just impossible for me to not pick up tid-bits that I happen to find striking. For instance, last night I believe I was handed to opening line to the novel I will someday write. Not that I know what this novel is about, but I am convinced that this MUST be my opening sentence: "Cigarrettes smell better than old fat women, and taste better than hobo spit." These exact words were uttered by a young women sitting in the smoking section at the Kettle and talking, apparently, to the whole damn restaurant. So I have comendeered these words and plan to use them at a latter date.

Another nugget I picked up, probably the last sentence of my novel to be, "Is that ketchup too compact, or what?"

Now if only a patron at this fine estalishment would give me a plot.

This is an actual email that I sent today. Everyone that knows that i have a blog has already read it, but I feel that it should be imortalized for future audiences.



Yesterday, between studying for two finals and writing two papers, I took a break and decided if there was anything I could change on my resume in order for employers to have a better view of my might and awe insipring brain. I asked my roomate to look it over for me, catch anything that I may have missed. 
Lo and behold, I missed a doosy.

To let propsective employers keep the closest tabs on me, instead of putting my school e-mail address, which expires when I graduate, I opted to put this e-mail address on there instead.  Ty pointed out to me that employers are not likely to hire someone whoes email (ih8corporations@hotmail.com) states clearly that they do not wish to associate with felonious and dastardly corporations, whos sole purpose
in being is to maximize profit and minimize responsibility.  He further suggested that this may be why I have yet to receive a single interview.

So, despite my digust, I am forced to change my e-mail address to something less inflamatory and more employment friendly.  To this end I may now be electronically reached at sereneleaf@hotmail.com  Please send me an e-mail regarding your thoughts about my brain fart to my new address.  Additionally, please forward this to anyone who may wish to contact me.

This will be that last correspondence you all will receive from this e-mail address


Well, there it is. as my brother said, he had the same problem when his email address was donthiremebcauseiamadumbass@idiot.com

My older brother, Matt, has informed me that I should begin a blog. Ok, here it is. I guess I would like to thank him for forcing me to put my ideas, thoughts (both insightful and lewed) on the internet. I can't say that I have any real need to do this, other than I have to do something with my life now that I am graduating college. Yes, i think that this is the best possible route for me; an unpaying, low effort time-waster. Um... further post forthcoming.